My Reform Friend Started Lighting Shabbos Candles in Honor of the Bibas Family

My friend has been crying endless tears for Israel. She is a proud American Reform Jew who has been overcome with grief since October 7. She’s a redhead, who’s been especially hit hard by the tragic news of the Bibas family murders in Hamas captivity. I told her she can’t only have darkness enter her life, she needs to bring in more light. I suggested she light Shabbos candles.

As a mom of two young children, who is doing her best to expose them positive aspects of our heritage, she has certain types of Judaica in her home, but when she went to look for candlesticks last Friday morning, she only came up with Shabbos candles and a havdalah candle.

“I was thinking of going to a Judaica shop today to get some,” she explained.

“Don’t rush into it,” I responded. “Make sure you’re happy with the purchase. To get started, all you need are some tea lights.”

She agreed that was doable. I asked her if she could set aside time to light each. I explained that there’s a debate in the Talmud about the most important verse in the Torah. One rabbi says, it’s the Shema, the creed of the Jewish people. Another thinks it’s, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The answer they end up with is surprising. It’s a verse about the daily sacrifice in the Holy Temple. Why would that be if the Temple has been gone for 2,000 years? Because the daily offering is about consistency. It’s about showing up day in and day out.

“Do you think you can commit to lighting weekly?” I asked my friend. She said she could and understood and gravity of the task. I sent her the blessing and the traditional prayer to say afterwards. But I didn’t know how it went.

She called me this week with the update. She went to CVS looking for tea lights. They sent her to the tea section. She explained that she needed candles. So they sent her to the candle section. On the shelf stood a single candle in glass, like a yahrzeit candle, but with no label. She wanted two but they only had one, so she bought what they had and brought it home. She kindled the light, said the blessing and prayed for the Bibas family and all the people in Israel who are suffering.

“Is it OK what I did? That I only had one and it was kind of a yahrzeit candle?”

“It was a moment to light candles for Shabbos and a moment to reflect on the Bibases deaths. Light and darkness intertwined, as is so often the experience of a Jew. Hashem loves our efforts, even if they’re not perfect. When I was first becoming observant,” I told her, “I tried to pray everyday but didn’t know which prayers to say and which not to say, so I would just say whatever was familiar. So for some time at the beginning, I was saying the Mourner’s Kaddish to myself, even though I was neither a mourner nor was I in a minyan (a prayer quorum required to say this prayer). But I think Hashem loved my prayers anyway because they were sincere and I was doing my best.”

I told her of a famous story that’s told of a little boy who wants to pray from his siddur, but doesn’t yet know the prayers. All he knows is the Aleph Bet. So he says the Aleph Bet with the intention of prayers and we are told that the letters strung together in the heavens to create words, which were prayers. I explained to her that I believed that her imperfect first week of candle lighting reached the heavens and were accepted with love.

“As I lit the candles, I gazed out at the orange sunset and thought of the Bibases as I prayed for them.”

She wanted to know if it was OK for her to light Shabbos candles if she had no intention of doing anything else Shabbos related afterwards. I explained that every mitzvah counts. Every mitzvah stands on its own and if she could truly commit to taking this on in the merit of this family, it would be world-changing. I told her that those little boys — and especially Kfir, the baby — had such a short time on earth that they were not able to perform many or any mitzvos. But if she makes this change in their merit, she will create such a beautiful legacy for them in her home.

She will create spiritual merit for all of Israel. We have hundreds of murderers who have been released in these hostage deals. Stepping up with small, but actually major acts like my friends has the ability to bring increased protection to the Jewish people in this vulnerable time.

And for the first time, since October 7, my friend’s home added more light.

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Allison Josephs

Allison Josephs is the founder and executive director of Jew in the City has been involved in the field of Jewish Outreach for over twenty years and is the Partner in Torah mentor to actress Mayim Bialik. She was named one of NJOP’s Top Ten Jewish Influencers and one of the Jewish Week’s 36 under 36. Allison has been quoted or written about in numerous publications, including The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, People Magazine, NYPost, Daily News, TMZ, The Daily Beast, and Hollywood Reporter. She has appeared on numerous television and radio networks including CBS, ABC, Fox5, TLC, Associate Press TV, and NPR; her articles have appeared in publications including The Washington Post, JTA, Jewish Week, Jerusalem Post, The Forward, and Kveller. Pearson Education, the largest textbook company in the world, produced a video segment on Allison’s life for the Judaism chapter of their textbook. She is a sought-after international lecturer whose corporate clients include Con-Edison and NYU Langone and hosts a weekly podcast on the Nachum Segal Network. She received her Bachelor of Arts from Columbia University in Philosophy and lives with her husband and four children minutes from the George Washington Bridge.