This Orthodox Jewish Woman’s TEDx Talk About In-Laws Went Viral

When dynamic, motivational Jewish speaker and author Sarah Pachter chose to give a TEDx talk about in-law relationships, she already knew the topic struck a nerve within the Jewish community. Years earlier, an article she wrote on the subject drew more than 100,000 clicks in two days, with women deeply relating to her insights about mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. But few could have predicted how strongly the message would resonate far beyond the Orthodox world.

Since her talk, “How to Start Getting Along With Your In-Laws,” was posted online, Pachter has found herself at the center of a viral moment. The talk has garnered more than 440,000 views on YouTube — an especially exciting feat for an Orthodox Jewish woman speaking about family relationships, boundaries, and marriage on a mainstream platform to a mainstream audience.

But according to Pachter, the talk was never really just about in-laws. “It’s framed in a way that it’s a hot topic, because there’s always drama between in-laws,” she said, “but it’s rules for relationships in general.”

Marriage, she argues, often forces people into entirely new family systems without giving them a roadmap for how those relationships are supposed to work. “There’s certain rules to your family that you all get, things that everybody knows,” Sarah explained. “When you’re coming into a family as a daughter-in-law, let’s say, there’s all these rules that no one ever told you about. And so you’re trying to navigate a game that you don’t even know the rules to yet.” 

Drawing from nearly two decades of teaching women across different countries, communities, and levels of observance, Pachter began noticing the same tensions surfacing again and again: anxiety, control, resentment, hurt feelings, and people assigning meaning to one another’s actions before ever clarifying what was actually intended.

What eventually became a viral TEDx talk was, in her mind, actually years in the making. She interviewed dozens of mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, collected stories, and looked for patterns beneath the conflict.

Again and again, she found the same thing: much of the tension people experience in relationships comes not from what actually happened, but from the stories they tell themselves about what happened.

“One of the examples I give in the TED talk,” she explained, involved a woman upset that her mother-in-law brought over dinner. The daughter-in-law interpreted the gesture as criticism of her cooking. But to Pachter, the story illustrated how quickly people move from facts to assumptions.

“Fact is she brought over dinner,” Pachter said. “The fantasy is everything else. Separate fact from fantasy; stop taking it personally and most conflict disappears.”

Ironically, while the framework behind the talk was deeply informed by Torah ideas, much of the overt Judaism was removed from the final TEDx version. Pachter had originally wanted to discuss Jewish concepts like avoiding negative speech, arguing that resentment deepens when family conflicts are constantly discussed and relitigated with others. She also wanted to delve into the Torah’s emphasis on boundaries within relationships — an idea she believes is essential for healthy marriages and families.

One tidbit she was able to mention was the symbolism behind a Jewish bride circling the groom seven times under the chuppah (though she couldn’t use the word “Jewish!”), representing the sacred emotional boundaries around a marriage. “We see boundaries everywhere in the Torah,” she said. “And those boundaries are what keep the sanctity of your marriage.”

Still, even with much of the explicit Jewish language removed, Pachter felt strongly that her presence on the TEDx stage as an Orthodox Jewish woman carried meaning of its own. “It felt like one big Kiddush Hashem,” she said.

Recently, while a guest speaker at a Pesach program, she described a non-Jewish woman watching her avoid using electricity on Shabbat and reacting with visible admiration. “When you respect yourself and you hold to your values, people admire that and they respect it,” Sarah shared.

Now, alongside the release of her new book, Just Say Yes!: Choosing a Life of Kindness, Clarity, and Connection, Pachter hopes her message continues reaching people far beyond the Orthodox Jewish world. And as the response to her TEDx talk has shown, while the language and framework may be deeply Jewish, the longing for healthier, more respectful relationships is nearly universal.

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