This Chabad Rebbetzin Is Normalizing In The Orthodox World

November is National Adoption Month and we had the pleasure of speaking with Chavie Bruk, who courageously shares her story with grace, wisdom, and levity.

Married in her early twenties in 2006, Chavie Bruk moved to Montana with her husband on shlichus (emissaries of Jewish outreach) to establish a Jewish presence in the vast, picturesque state. Her husband “really connected with the people and there was space for a permanent [Jewish] center,” so the newlyweds created one. Chavie characterizes herself as “kind of spontaneous” and “not an overthinker,” so she was up for the adventure. They arrive in the summertime and take advantage of the state during all seasons.

Upon their move to Montana, they didn’t have children. A year into their marriage, they were still without children, and “it just became evident that something’s going on,” Chavie explained. The young couple knew that they needed to investigate, but being remote in a small town, the needed doctors and specialists weren’t necessarily accessible. “We did travel quite a bit,” Chavie said, “and pretty soon in our fertility journey, we were told that we’re not going to have biological kids. Whatever we were dealing with was permanent and it wasn’t reversible, and there was nothing to do.” They tried a few procedures to no avail, and at 23, Chavie and her husband were faced with a harsh reality. 

Chavie wanted to have “a ton of kids” as she had grown up in an environment where children were treasured and adored. “Nobody was pressuring me into wanting a big family, but that’s what I wanted,” she expressed, “I genuinely wanted that…and it was jarring to have such a permanent diagnosis, and we really had to come to terms and wrestle with this idea.” She says that even 18 years later, it’s still something that she has to come to terms with. “It’s something that you learn to live with, and learn to enjoy the life that Hashem gives you, but it’s still painful,” although she is not a dweller. 

As Chavie was going through this monumental moment, she and her husband were busy catering to their growing Jewish community. “It gave us purpose, and we still felt like we were impacting and having a positive effect in the world,” it was helpful to focus on their mission rather than basking in depression, feeling like life was falling apart. 

While it was evident that without a medical-defying miracle, Chavie wouldn’t have biological children, she still wanted a family. “Women are built with this natural draw to having children…I felt it in my bones and in my soul that I was going to have a family. There’s surrogacy and there’s sperm donation, and depending on which area of infertility you struggle in there are different options,” she explained. However, in weighing various options, adoption seemed like the path that made the most sense, “I like the idea that we were both kind of on the same playing field. I felt like, we’re in this together.”

Eventually Chavie and her husband shared with some close friends that they were looking to adopt. Hiring an adoption agency is pricey and was incompatible with the early shlichus lifestyle at the time. “There’s a lot of costs, there’s a lot of legalities and technicalities. But we kept at it,” through word of mouth. 

It worked. All five of their children have been adopted through word of mouth. “My first [child] from Russia was adopted in America.” The mother of the child wasn’t in a position to raise a child, the baby needed some medical issues resolved, and she needed to come to America. “Through my husband’s very close friend who was one of the few strategic people that we told in the beginning,” they found their first child. Once she was adopted, their story was no longer a secret and the word spread. “It was a beautiful thing to see, we just put it out there, and when a situation arose, we would get a phone call, and that’s how we built our family,” she explained that word of mouth is not a universal approach and that couples with ample resources should consider hiring an adoption agency. “I feel like every single one of my children is a miracle, it’s very clearly Hashem. You know, it was Hashem’s master plan,” she said.

Chavie compares the process of a child being born to a child being adopted. The adoption process is lengthy and complicated. “You didn’t birth this child physically, but it’s very clear it’s your child,” she said. 

At the time the Bruks adopted, there was no frum (religious Jewish) agency for them to go through. Once their story spread, people in similar situations began to look to the couple as a pillar of strength, wisdom, and support during their own infertility or adoption journeys. “I say we’re the face of adoption because we’re really open about it. I’m not saying nobody else has done it, and nobody else does it, but we just kind of took the path of sharing our story. We’ve helped and facilitated a lot of adoptions,” which is why Chavie wanted to share her story in the first place. “There’s a lot of people who struggle with infertility, but this whole idea that we have to have shame or not feel like we can share, or it has to be private, I don’t agree with that.” This sentiment extends to how adoption is discussed within the family unit–if the parents have shame around the adoption, the kids will, too. Chavie didn’t want her story to be a secret, “When we keep things a secret, what ends up showing up for us is that we feel like it’s bad,” Chavie said. She continued, “I didn’t choose it. Hashem chose it for me, so why do I have to keep it a secret? Why can’t we share?” Chavie continued that keeping something about a child’s identity a secret, regardless of what it is, is extremely damaging to the child.. “There’s enough to navigate in an adoption,” shame doesn’t need to be part of the process.

Chavie recognizes that adoption was right for her family but that it might not be right for all. The pain is nuanced, “First and foremost, I just hear the story and empathize.” Adoption does not replace having biological children. It’s a completely different experience. Some people are comfortable with adoption but others are reluctant to adopt and know that it’s not right for them, which is perfectly respectable as well, “it’s brave.” Knowing that Hashem has a master plan for all, Chavie is focused on how to make the most of her circumstances, to enjoy life, and to “live her best life that Hashem clearly laid out.”

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