How I Deal With “Thank You For Not Making Me A Woman” (Shelo Asani Isha) Blessing
I don’t remember exactly when I first learned about “shelo asani isha,” but I have to imagine that I wasn’t too happy about it. There is a section of the siddur called birkas hashachar (morning blessings), which is recited every morning by observant Jews. One of the blessings within birkas hashachar is said by men and blesses God for having not made them women. Women, in turn, thank God for having made them according to His will. Needless to say, this is a challenging topic for many people. I will not attempt to quell anyone else’s unrest or discomfort about the issue. I can only speak of my own perspective, how it’s changed yet remained the same, and how I can live with this rather politically incorrect blessing.
While I can’t recall when or how I first learned about this blessing, I do remember what I was told by a Torah teacher when I asked about it. “Shelo asani isha is not a dig at women,” she explained. “It is only an acknowledgment that men have more mitzvos available (as women are exempt from time-bound ones.) It is said by men in order to be grateful for the extra work.”
I bought this line of thinking for quite some time, and I repeated it to others on many occasions. But over the years, I began to doubt it. It seemed a little apologetic. A little too convenient. It didn’t answer why the prayer was in the negative. So I moved away from this approach. What I focused on instead was context. When people who were bothered by this blessing would ask me how I dealt with it, I would ask them “Do the Orthodox men in your community look down on women?” If the answer was yes, I would tell them, “Then find a new community!” For the vast majority, though, the answer was “Of course not.” These women felt as valued as I do.
My response then was, “I can’t speak for what the rabbis of those times believed about women – no one actually knows the intention they had when they wrote this blessing. What I do know is that the Orthodox men I surround myself with don’t just respect and value women, they are looking to improve women’s place in society, they are looking to find creative ways to include their voices in Jewish life, they are raising strong confident daughters and cherishing their beloved wives. Some of them even have a hard time spitting out these words each day as they pray, because they struggle with this prayer too.”
This approach doesn’t un-write this uncomfortable blessing, but it does mean it can be said knowing that no one actually looks down on women and many people wish they didn’t have to say it. They continue to say it because they respect the magnitude of tradition. This was my approach up until a year ago, when I learned something new, which was actually something old.
I was invited to make an appearance on a radio show, and I was told that the day before my appearance that the hosts had been bashing this prayer. I figured that I should look into it more before I showed up on live radio. As I began to research the sources, I saw something fascinating: it wasn’t just some kiruv professional in 1997 trying to alleviate my concerns about the uncomfortable nature of these words. There was actually a renowned 11th century rabbi who was also bothered enough to comment on it. His name was Rashi and he lived in medieval France – a time and place where women’s lib had not yet been invented! Rashi clearly saw the blessing as problematic enough require an explanation. He said exactly what the outreach professional had told me years earlier:“shelo asani isha” refers to a man’s greater obligation in mitzvos. But that’s not all – the rabbis of old were also bothered by the negative phrasing of the blessing, and the Bach concludes that it’s a grammatical technicality that requires the blessing to be the negative in order for a man to reach the required daily allowance of 100 blessings a day.
I admit – this is not a beautiful, elegant answer, neatly wrapped up in a bow. Having an emotionally charged issue end with a lesson in grammar is about as unsatisfying as it gets! At the same time, sometimes, this is the nature of Judaism. Like a marriage, it comes as a package deal which means that some parts of it are less appealing than others. So too, like with marriage, I can choose (and do choose) to accept it because it is a meaningful and mostly beautiful fixture in my life.
Thank you God for making me a women and giving me the freedom to choose.
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This particular bracha never bothered me, because it is the third in a series of “Who has not made me a…” brachos. (“Who has not made me a gentile, … a slave, … a woman.”)
The thing is, I learned that the reason why these brachos are made in the negative is because (brace yourself) the melachim argued, successfully, that people are so bad that it would have been better if they hadn’t been created – but since we were already created, we should just try to be good.
So then the bracha that women recite is phrased in the positive. Does that mean that it is good that women were created, but not good that men were created?
For the record, I’m a woman. And I say “Sheasani Kirtzono – Who has created me according to His will” in morning brachos. But I’ve always had that question. I’m so glad that JITC is here, so I finally have someone to ask.
Nu?
Thanks for your comment, Rifky. I have heard that women say a positive bracha because they are born more elevated. Men, at birth, need a circumcision to show that there is more work to be done. I have not heard this concept brought down through any sources though.
I was really bothered by this for a long time too. The one explanation I excepted was that woman were created closer to perfection than men and that we did not have as many mitzvos as men need to get where we started from. So, when a man says “shelo asani esha”, it gives him the encouragement needed to be able to work harder and complete the mitzvos needed to be where we already are. This is why the men respect us….they too are aware of our special connection to G-D.
This is the explanation I was given as well. It makes a lot of sense. Women are more spiritual and nurturing. There is a stronger connection to G!d.
Thank you Allison! I never knew it was Rashi who said that!
Nancy Bennett- that’s actually how I came to terms with the blessing. It’s a fact of life – men have it waaaaaay easier in EVERY SINGLE aspect of life.
I always took the blessing to be a sort of reminder for men, every single morning, of the challenges women face in this world where we are vulnerable, where our hormonal changes and cycle really challenge us and in general where society doesn’t always appreciate us or look to use us out. It’s hard to be a woman, and Jewish law requires men to acknowledge that and thank Gd that they don’t have those hardships.
Now, there’s nothing better about being a man rather than a woman. That’s why the blessing isn’t “thank you for making me a man.” that would not achieve the same purpose. It’s about addressing the inherent challenges that come with being a woman in the modern world.
I think it’s beautiful.
Chassidic thought talks about the masculine and feminine energies. Today, it seems like the world is outwardly run by the “patriarchy”, with the feminine energy running the show from behind the scenes. When Moshiach comes, the power of the feminine energy will be revealed. Being that we are coming closer to that era, women have become much more out in the public arena and much more valued and lauded by society in general.
There’s more to this philosophy, but that’s the basic short version. I’m proud to be a chassidic feminist!
Thanks Allison!
I don’t have a problem with this because it’s a plain fact that women have harder lives, and can die in childbirth. I also felt that it was a kind of consolation for the men. According to Jewish tradition women are on a higher level than men and therefore don’t need certain commandments such as tsitsis and Tefillin, because they naturally have a closer connection toG-d and don’t need those extra physical reminders. Anyway, it is really special to have a positive blessing that reminds us that we were created’ according to G-d’s will-already born perfect and not in need of any change to our bodies. Each woman is reminded every day that she was created’ according toG-d’s will. How affirming is that!!!!
There is a much more elegant explanation, which is probably closer to the truth (I read it in The Moon’s Lost Light, by Devorah Heshelis).
First, take a different pair of blessings: On good we recite “Blessed is (God) Who is good and does good,” and on bad we recite “Blessed is (God) the true judge.” Yet, the Talmud teaches that at the deepest level, all is really good, just that we, in this world, cannot comprehend that. But if so, why are there two different blessings? The answer is that the blessings were instituted based on the human experience, and since people do experience events as good and bad, the blessings relate to that, and not to some abstract philosophical idea.
The same applies here. There is no question that in the time of the Talmudic sages, women were in an inferior position relative to men. When they instituted that men recite the blessing “Who has not made me a woman,” that was an acknowledgment of that lived experience, not a statement of the abstract “worth” of a man relative to a woman. In truth, even today, even in enlightened Western society, to say nothing of other cultures throughout the world, men have a place of privilege. Recitation of this blessing even today is a way for men to be mindful of that disparity, and to work toward eliminating it. I hope that I will live to see the day when woman are truly treated as equal to men, and there will no longer be a need for this blessing.
The idea that shelo asani isha is about obligation in mitzvos is stated by Rabbi Yehuda in the Tosefta, many, many years before Rashi.
https://www.sefaria.org/Tosefta_Berakhot.6.23
What if we took a more positive spin on the blessing. Why would man want to be a woman? She has the ability to give life and ALL that go along with that blessing. Man is not suited for this job. They are the hunters and the gatherers – would a lion want to be a lioness? I think not.
I don’t have a problem with this bracha at all. Just think of it from the men’s perspective- they get to have kids without the pain of pregnancy and childbirth, they don’t have to deal with the menstrual cycle, plus they’re not vulnerable to rape and assault by stronger males. From the spiritual side of things, they have more mitzvos. Wouldn’t you be glad to not have to deal with all that? What they don’t get though is the female perspective. They don’t get to have the privilege of carrying a human child from conception through birth within themselves. They don’t get the joy of feeding a child from themselves. They also miss out on all the beautiful aspects of femininity. They aren’t meant to understand that. They were made male, not female after all.
There’s also an explanation of the bracha we do say – sheasani kirtzono. When man was made Hashem “partnered” with the malachim. When women were made Hashem didn’t consult with the malachim first. He made us perfect in his eyes.
In addition we’re not here for our own kavod and our own pleasure. We’re here to serve Hashem. We’re grateful that Hashem gave us the form we need to best serve him as he desires.
“It is said by men in order to be grateful for the extra work.” If they are so grateful for the extra work of being a man then why do they thank G-d for not making them a slave in the same breath of that prayer?
Because a free man has more mitzvos he can do than a slave can. It’s the exact same idea.