A High Holiday Prayer To Find My Husband

For years, marriage was the farthest thing on my mind. I spent my twenties getting to know myself, the world and what life even was! When I hit my 30th, marriage started peeking its head through the window. I gave it some attention, thought about it and continued living my life with an occasional glimpse into what marriage and family would look like, dipping my toes into the dating field. At 32, its voice grew louder and more insistent and I decided it was time for me to freeze my eggs, as an insurance policy. As my early 30s turned into mid 30s, I found myself face to face with this new desire. The yearning grew stronger and louder.

Where until now I was more than happy to grow my career, travel and live my independent life, I now find myself wanting something else. Not better or worse, just something different. Where until I was content to be the 3rd wheel to someone else’s family for holidays and shabbat, I am now finding loneliness tag along.

I often wonder, do I regret not pursuing marriage more vigorously in my 20s? If I had, would I have been able to avoid this season in my life? If I did, maybe by now I would’ve been married with kids. These thoughts don’t really keep me up at night. It’s abundantly clear to me that no, I don’t regret my single years. I needed that time to find myself, learn life, heal and grow into who I am now. And now, for the first time in my adult life, I’m standing face to face with this new struggle. It’s one I’ve heard about, from fellow singles, but never experienced myself.

The yearning to share my life, to not have to face every moment, decision and experience alone is a lonely, tiresome feeling to face, which is magnified during Shabbat and chagim. So much of Jewish life is centered around family and community, making it exceptionally challenging for those who are still waiting to have their own. It pulls the heartstrings watching others around you enter the next stage of life that I long to join. In addition to feeling isolated during family centered occasions, there’s an added struggle of having my friend circle shrink. When my friends talk about marriage, share pictures of their adorable babies, complain about bedtime, I can’t help but notice the desire bubble up again.

So yes, I loved my single years, I am forever grateful for them and what they gave me. And yet, I want to move onto the next stage in life.

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