How Orthodox Judaism Changed My Perspective on Dating – and Helped Me Find My Husband

Growing up as a secular American girl in the 80s, I dreamed of a handsome prince/Patrick Dempsey lookalike who would sweep me off my feet to live happily ever after, like all the books and movies I had been raised on. Unfortunately, my dating experiences in high school, college, and then as a young professional in Paris and later New York City left me with a broken heart and a cynical, jaded view of love as essentially a Hollywood lie or a Hallmark-created farse. There was such a lack of respect for women, and the guys I was meeting seemed so disingenuous and focused on the wrong things. I felt that they certainly didn’t care to get to know me as a person, let alone want to get married.

Then I met Orthodox Jews for the first time and heard about the concept of “Jewish dating”. It meant shelving the physical while you get to know someone, dating with the stated intention of marriage as opposed to just having fun, and dating to determine long-term compatibility as opposed to “falling for someone” completely wrong for you. I was hooked. This was the answer to my problems! 

Ultimately, discovering the wisdom of Jewish dating led me on a path of exploring other Jewish ideas. Perhaps they could also be relevant and helpful in my life as a modern woman. I did a deep dive into Judaism, culminating in a nine-month stint at a seminary in Israel, where I officially adopted a fully-observant Jewish life. 

I had always thought that the Torah was chauvinistic, but the more I learned, the more I realized that everything was the exact opposite of my pre-conceived notions. Case in point: I discovered that the concept of shomer negiah (not touching while dating) allowed me to get to know a date in a way that I felt respected and valued for my inner qualities, not just my looks. 

Three months after seminary, I met my husband at synagogue on the Upper West Side of Manhattan – and the rest is history. As a dating coach, I teach my clients to incorporate Jewish dating tactics into their lives, whether or not they’re currently observing other Torah principles. It’s just really smart dating. Well over 300 women that I’ve worked with have done this successfully and married their soulmates.

Now, I want to share that wisdom with you. 

Here are 5 important Jewish dating tips that I gleaned from the Orthodox Jewish community and incorporate into my coaching for women of all types:

1. Get clear on the values, character traits, and personality traits you’re looking for. Convey that to people trying to set you up. Don’t compromise on what’s really important to you. Marriage is forever—you want to make sure you’re aligned in all the important ways.
2. Do your research. Google is your friend! Additionally, make phone calls to references and people who know him to make sure (as best you can) that the values, traits and goals match up—not to mention inquiring about psychological health and emotional well-being.
3. Shelve the physical as best you can. Don’t be a wife to a boyfriend. Physical touch, which releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), along with dopamine and other “love hormones” cloud our judgement. Deciding who to marry is perhaps the most important decision of your life. You don’t want to miss red flags or have chemistry trounce compatibility.
4. Have important conversations early on. Instead of watching movies or talking about superficial things, have deep, concrete conversations about your values, goals and dreams to make sure you’re both compatible long term. 
5. Interview for the right position. Make sure you’re presenting yourself as a potential wife as opposed to a fling. You’re looking for your soulmate, so date with your soul. I advise my clients, even if they’re totally secular, to dress a bit more conservatively for dates. We want to ask ourselves, what do I want to highlight about myself? I call this “image integrity”—my outside should align with my inside. We do this naturally for a job interview, where we want to be viewed with respect as opposed to leading with our sexuality. So, too, with dating. You can still look beautiful while highlighting your soul. 

Wishing you an easy journey to meet your soulmate! 

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