If you’re a person who cares about negative stories involving Orthodox Jews in the news, the recent agunah cases that keep popping up are quite troubling. If you’re a person who cares about people, ALL agunah cases are quite troubling. Since I am both, I have been pretty bummed out lately about how to deal with divorce scandals in the Orthodox Jewish world. As an observant Jew, I believe in living according to halacha, which means following the laws of gittin (Jewish divorce) AND preventing bad guys from hurting good guys (as the Torah commands: “Don’t stand idly by your neighbors blood.”).
A husband cannot withhold a get from his wife once a Jewish court has ordered him to give one, but nevertheless, a small number of men do anyway. How do you deal with a recalcitrant husband? The rabbis of old thought it was simple: Beat the you-know-what out of the guy until he does what he’s supposed to do. Since assault doesn’t fit so well into twenty-first century Western thinking (there are some rabbis now sitting in jail who can attest to that fact) we need some other options to free women from their get-withholding husbands.
Some women have taken to social media – which appears to be quite effective, though unfortunately, it creates a lot of negative PR for Orthodox Jews as the nuance behind gittin gets lost on the general public. (Not that I begrudge anyone who does this – it’s just a messy side effect.) Another option is the halachic Prenup. The Prenup is a document which was drafted by Rabbi Mordechai Willig in 1994 in consultation with other halachic and legal experts. It accomplishes two things: it forces the couple to choose a beis din (Jewish court) to get divorced by should the need, God forbid, ever arise. Second, it legally obligates the husband to pay $150 a day to his wife for every day he withholds the get.
The concepts contained in The Prenup are actually very old, dating back to the seventeenth century! In 1664, Rabbi Shmuel Ben David Moshe Halevi, the rabbi of Bamberg, Germany published a compilation of Jewish legal forms called the Nachalas Shiva. One of the forms in that book is a version of the tana’im (a Jewish wedding document) with a provision that is very similar to The Prenup. In a footnote to that provision, the Nachalas Shiva cites some authorities who held that the provision dates back to the Takanos Shum, the authoritative communal enactments adopted in the early Middle Ages by the leaders of the German communities of Speyer, Worms and Mainz.
The financial disincentive delineated in The Prenup is based upon a husband’s obligation according to the ketubah (marriage contract) to provide food, clothing, and shelter to his wife so long as they remain married. So The Prenup tells a husband “if don’t want to give your wife a get, then you must support her as outlined in the ketubah until you terminate the marriage by giving a get.” The Prenup has been endorsed by a number of leading poskim (adjudicators of Jewish law), including Rabbi Zalman Nechemia Goldberg, Rabbi Gedalia Dov Schwartz, Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, and Rabbi Osher Weiss.
I have been trying to get the word out to more people about The Prenup as it seems like the best option that’s out there these days to combat the agunah issue, but I kept hearing pushback. “It’ll never work,” said one rabbi. “It wouldn’t matter to a rich guy,” said another. “He wouldn’t care about paying the fee.” So on a whim, I asked the director of ORA (Organization for Resolution of Agunot) Rabbi Jeremy Stern (since educating the Jewish community about The Prenup is one of the main missions of ORA): “How effective is The Prenup, anyway?”
I was expecting him to say “25% effective” or “40% effective.” But no, he told me “100% effective!*” I was SHOCKED. What do you mean by “effective?” I asked next. He said that in the twenty years since The Prenup has been in use they have yet to see a case where the get is not given unconditionally and in a “timely fashion.”
What’s “timely?” I asked. “Six months or less.” he replied. He then explained that in almost all cases in which the halachic prenup is invoked the case never reaches the civil courts because the husband knows that he would be fighting (and paying for) a losing battle. (Conversely, in the twelve years that ORA has been around, they have seen 500 cases of get refusals from husbands who did not sign The Prenup.)
So how many times has this 100% average been tested by couples who signed The Prenup getting divorced? After speaking to the Beth Din of America, the number is not so easy to calculate. Most of the time, they explained, The Prenup works quietly in the background, providing the incentive for the husband to give the get early in the process even without the necessity of turning to the Beth Din of America to actually enforce the document.
The only statistics they could offer to give insight into the numbers of Prenups in use are the results of a 2009 survey they took of rabbis who are members of the Rabbinical Council of America, the rabbinical group that has been the driving force behind wider acceptance of The Prenup. Of the RCA members who responded to the survey, 33% require the use of a prenup when officiating at a wedding, and an additional 37% encourage the use of a prenup when they officiate even if they don’t require it. They suspect the numbers have moved up since 2009. Based on these numbers, my father (the math person in my family!) and I guessimated that the number of couples who got divorced with The Prenup in the last twenty years is in the low thousands. (Again, no organization has confirmed this, this was just a ballpark we came up with based on what we do know.)
Then I asked Rabbi Stern why The Prenup (in his opinion) is so effective. These were his answers:
1. “As a binding arbitration agreement to the Beth Din of America, it eliminates the forum-shopping between different batei din which is a tremendous source of frustration and game playing when trying to determine where, under what circumstances, and under what conditions, a get is issued. At ORA, we have encountered countless cases where women spend years without a get because the two sides cannot agree on a beit din.”
2. “The enforcement mechanism creates a burdensome financial disincentive for a husband to refuse to give a get. Even for extremely wealthy couples, if they are battling each other in a contentious divorce (in which couples fight over nickels and dimes) then the obligation of paying his wife $55,000 per year will weigh heavily on a recalcitrant husband. I will note here that this financial obligation is above and beyond anything that the wife would otherwise be entitled to in Jewish or civil law. Thus, her waiving her rights to that money in exchange for the get is not extortion, but rather using the agreement to do what it is supposed to do: take the get off the table and ensure that all other contentious issues of the divorce can be addressed on their own terms.”
3. “With a halachic prenup, a woman is able to pressure her husband to give her a get early on in the divorce process, before he becomes entrenched in his stance of get-refusal, and before other contentious divorce matters are settled (when he may try to use the get to reverse settlements or decisions that are not entirely to his liking).”
4. “Putting aside the civilly binding element of the prenup and enforcement mechanism, with a prenup a groom signs his name that he will do the right thing and promptly give a get in the event of a divorce. Few people like to be called liars. Additionally, the psychological commitment that the husband has made at the start of the marriage may impact his attitude with its dissolution.”
5. “The refusal of a prospective groom to sign a halachic prenup can serve as a red flag to a prospective bride of controlling and abusive attitudes which her fiancé possesses. This should alert her to the fact that he may not be someone with whom she should bind herself in matrimony.”
He then noted that at some point in the future they may find that the halachic prenup will not work in every single case. But, so far, it has, and they anticipate that it will work in nearly all cases.
I also asked Rabbi Stern about how The Prenup compares to what they can do in Israel – putting recalcitrant husbands in jail. He said, “Putting someone in jail is obviously an extremely effective measure. That’s how nearly our entire criminal justice system works — we assume that people would prefer not to commit crimes rather than spend time in jail. However, getting to that point of going through an entire criminal case is a long and arduous process, whereas the prenup has ensured 100% of the time that a get is given in a timely fashion. The stories where men rot in jail are very, very, very few and far between. Again, in any judicial system you will have the .00001% of cases that fall through the cracks, the .00001% of people who prefer to sit in jail rather than comply with the law. Even so, I think the prenup could possibly have helped in those cases, since it gets the husband in the door of the beit din very early on in the process, before he becomes entrenched in his recalcitrance and become a sadistic ‘martyr’ for the cause of refusing to give a get.”
Finally, I asked Rabbi Stern about common misconceptions people have about The Prenup. He said, “One common misconception is that the prenup is a penalty against the husband for refusing to give a get. Technically, it is not. Instead, it simply enforces his halachic obligations to support his wife over the course of their marriage, until a get is issued, even if they are separated, thereby creating a severe financial disincentive for get refusal.”
Now that I know how effective The Prenup is, it is so obvious to me that we must ensure that every couple that is married according to halacha signs one. The accusations in the comment sections of these agunah stories are replete with people claiming that Orthodox Jews do not caring about their women. We do care! And because we care we must protect them in the best way that exists. When it comes to Jewish divorce, The Prenup is it.
*Rabbi Stern clarified the following points to me after the article was published. As per Rabbi Stern: “It works 100% of the time when signed properly and a copy is extant. We have seen a few cases where it was either signed improperly (such as under duress, entirely unexpectedly right before the chuppah), or where the couple did not have a copy available. So, like a car with seat belts, yes, seatbelts only work if you have them in your car and buckle up properly. If you don’t buckle up, no matter how many seatbelts you have in your car, it won’t help, just like “having” the prenup doesn’t help if it is signed incorrectly.”
Rabbi Stern further clarified that the 100% statistic is referring to agunahs caused by recalcitrant husbands. If a husband goes missing, the halacha is different and The Prenup cannot help with that. However, rabbis will do whatever they can to try to determine that the husband is dead in order to free the wife, and these cases are extremely, extremely rare.
NOTE: An earlier version of this article stated that a husband cannot withhold a get from his wife according to Jewish law. It was revised to say that a husband cannot withhold a get once a Jewish court has ordered him to give one. It should be noted that neither a husband, no a wife, can unilaterally end a marriage.
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And if he’s a clinically diagnosed sociopath, do you think he will care?
So it seems like it weeds those guys out because they wouldn’t want to give up control. I’m not sure if a sociopath has ever signed a prenup – but as per the information I was given, they have seen 100% efficacy. (Again – no one claims this would work for every future case, just what they’ve seen in 20 years.)
I think they’re willingness to sign the prenup is already indicative of them being a guy who is willing and a basically decent guy and that’s part of it
If we made every ketuba require the prenup I think that would change their rates of effectiveness
The fact that the OU or the Moetzes Gedolei Hatorah hasn’t come out for this makes me think there must be prominent frum Rabbanim who don’t agree. Most of the sources you cited were more on the Modox spectrum. I have no idea why this is. Did you do research into those who disagree and why? I am curious. Thanks!
The OU IS the RCA – same people. Rav Zalman Nechemiah Goldberg is not Modox. Neither was Rav Ovadia Yosef. Rav Osher Weiss is Chasidic. One of the people I quoted “It’ll never work.” is a yeshivish rabbi. He was asked by a guy whose fiancé came from a Modox background and wanted it signed. The yeshivish rabbi said “You can sign it, but it will never work.”
We need to rebrand the Prenup (we at JITC LOVE rebranding things! 🙂 and publicize the fact that it DOES work. Also, another complaint that I’ve been told exists from rabbanim who are against say is “It’s not good to think about divorce going into a wedding.” But you know what – the entire ketubah is about divorce. The Prenup CAN be used in every community. We just need to educate people and that’s exactly what we’re doing! 🙂
I think she meant why hasn’t famous “yeshivish” gedolim come out in support of this. The Prenup tends to have a reputation for being a “YU” thing. (Please note that I use quotation marks because I don’t believe in stereotyping Jews or labeling them/ dividing them. I used these delineations for clarification purposes only).
Nancy is correct. There are halachic objections to the RCA/BDA prenup in the Chareidi rabbinic world. Rav Eliashev ruled that it may not be used since it will cause an invalid Get in the future (for various halachic reasons.)
this is ORA’s response to your comment: “While there after those who claim that Rav Elyashiv opposed some version of a prenup, I have not seen evidence supporting that claim, and, even so, it’s unclear even in the claims as to which prenup he opposed.”
As you pointed out, the entire kesuba is about divorce. Husbands who withold a get do not care about its contents and would similarly not care about a prenup. There is no financial disinsentive if you ignore your obligations. Its not as if there will be baillifs knocking on the door.
I expect the 100% success rate is due to the fact that the men in question were actually decent human beings and would have givdn a get even without a prenup.
Also, you misrepresent the halacha. Halacha does not say that a woman is entitled to a get just because she asks for one. She must be able to prove certain circumstances. Judaism has lots of nice fuzzy bits but this is not one of them. Apologists for authentication Judaism can try and pretend that there aren’t sexist elements to the Torah but women who are refused a get will find that that is a misrepresentation.
I think a clarification is in order. You are correct that there is no divorce-on-demand in halacha. But a husband is not allowed to withhold a get UNDER CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES, especially when it comes to the point that a beis din has ordered him to do so.
A large majority of the cases you hear about an agunah being bandied about, it never came to the point where a beis din ruled the husband is halachicly required to give a Get.
That’s because in a large majority of the cases you hear about they couldn’t even AGREE on a beis din to go to! The system is broken! The Prenup makes them decide on the Beis Din beforehand!
Thanks for your comment, Jay, but your theory does not seem to play out in practice. You can speak to ORA yourself, if you’d like. In twenty years (and likely in the low thousands of couples divorced with The Prenup) they have not had one husband withhold a get for more than 6 moths.
In terms of misrepresenting halacha, a man cannot give a get on demand either. A woman has to accept a get (unless 100 rabbis sign a document to free the man which is extremely rare).
Exactly, Allison, you are entirely correct. Both spouses must be willing to give and accept the Get. Either spouse has the right to decline to do so and insist the marriage continue even if the other spouse wishes to divorce. Women (Ashkenazic) have this right granted to them by Rabbeinu Gershom, 1,000 years ago, that they have the right to decline accepting a Get. And husbands, of course, have this right before that directly from the Torah. And this right cannot be abrogated where it is insisted a divorce is due if only one spouse wants it whereas the other does not. The declining spouse has that right.
A Chabad rabbi officiated our wedding, and he had us sign the prenup. So not just Modern Orthodox rabbis are requiring or advocating it.
Actually, today is our 4th anniversary. Second time around is the charm! 😉
Wouldnt a guy get offended if his fiance asks for a prenup? Whether hes controling or not its basicaly saying ill marry you but im not sure it will last. So are most men for the prenup?
This is a great question. It needs to become so accepted he doesn’t feel like she’s thinking the marriage won’t last. It needs to become this thing we ALL do. It is actually a beautiful sentiment for him to say, “I want you to know that I’ll NEVER use our marriage as a weapon against you. With God’s help, we’ll be together forever, but I don’t want you to ever worry for one day that I’d hurt you.”
I think you meant to say “I want you to know that I’ll NEVER use our marriage as a weapon against you…” 🙂
thanks!! just fixed!
Leah, read the text of the Ketubah. It discusses the amount of money the wife is entitled to if they get divorced or he dies. It’s even read out loud during the wedding ceremony.
Yes, Leah it is offensive. It is for the modox. It is not proper. How can you think in Divorce even before marriage? It is horrible.
Mark – the kesubah itself talks about the money the wife is entitled to if they get divorced. This needs to become a universal practice so that it doesn’t feel like anyone is trying to think of divorce. The kesubah was created to protect women but due to the circumstances of galus, it can be used as a weapon against women. This must be corrected.
Hi Allison, awesome post- as usual!!
I’m assuming in that last comment of yours you meant to write ‘never use’…
thanks! and thanks! just fixed it! 🙂
Great point about the Ketubah! When my husband and I were questioned about our decision to get a halachic pre-nup with everything from the argument of “thinking about divorce when you are getting married” to “don’t you trust you are marrying a good person”, etc., we always responded that even though we DO trust that we are marrying a good person not everyone marries a good person or the right person and we believe that we have a responsibility to assist in removing the taboo of pre-nups to protect THOSE people. The fact that such a simple thing could evolve into the total eradication of Agunot is awe-inspiring and it takes no sacrifice on our part.
“A husband is forbidden from withholding a get against his wife’s will according to Jewish law”
That is halachicly incorrect. Generally speaking a husband has no obligation to give his wife a divorce (Get) simply because she wants it. She needs to have cause (abuse, etc.) And the alleged cause needs to be proven in beis din. In the absence of both those conditions a husband has no legal or moral obligation to give a Get and beis din is unable to order him to give one.
Thanks for your comment. I updated the text to clarify. I meant to say that he cannot withhold a get once a beis din has ordered him to. The Prenup says that he’ll give it to her upon request.
Thank you for another eye-opening article! If I ever get married again, I will certainly get that prenup. I just love your site!!
Interesting article. When my daughters got married, both were orthodox weddings, they would not consider a pre- nup.
The couples that have been willing to sign the pre- nup ( for the past 20 years) are self- screening. Most people are starry- eyed, excited &/or unable to accept the idea of a pre- nup within Halacha.
When my husband & I married approx 30 years ago, we had researched the idea of a pre- nup. Fortunately, we have not needed it!
Couples should be encouraged to sign a pre-nup.
We recently read and discussed halachic issues regarding agunot. The prenup can backfire if the woman seeking a divorce is married to a millionaire. No big deal for him to pay the daily allowance, especially if the wife was a big spender while they lived together.
Thanks for your comment, Miriam. That is a common misconception people have. The truth is that that we’ve seen in 20 years of use with thousands of couples using the prenup is that even rich people don’t want to waste money. Couples will fight each other tooth and nail to not lose money in a divorce. It is possible that one day a case will arise where the prenup doesn’t work, but so far in 20 years, women have gotten their get in 6 months or less.
I signed the prenup, but not because my wife asked me to, but because I thought it was a good idea. We have a regular prenup as well. It is not insulting. It just makes good sense to agree about things when you’re both normal people just in case you ever become crazy which most people seem to do when going through a divorce. However, I do believe that people self select to do this.
My teacher, of blessed memory, Rabbi Dr. Eliezer Berkovits, cited and delinineated nullifying a marriage, should the husband disapper or be recalcitrant, provided the proper pre-nuptual clause were inserted into the ke’tuba. Berkovits’ approach was rooted in traditional Halacha and yet applicable to the modern world and a solution to the problems of the agunah. To my mind, it is a more of a fool-proof solution than the aove-mentioned “prenup”.
Thanks for your comment, Zehava. As it is, it’s been hard to get acceptance of the prenup throughout the charedi world. Annulment would be an even less likely thing. BH, the prenup has been highly successful and we have a decent shot of continuing to spread it and we need to work on plans that are realistic.
Speak of plans, someone above had mentioned Rabbeinu Gershom’s ruling. Wasn’t that considered “Shaat Hadechak”? Likewise, have you considered asking R’Pesach Lerner to act as intermediary to the Moetzet, and cite SHAAT HADECHAK as grounds for enacting prenups in mainstream judaism?
After all, there were never such unusual times as this era, when we have all sorts of high tech distractions. Wouldn’t you categorize the time we live in, as Shaat Hadechak?