The Instability of a Sukkah: The Source For True Inner Strength

I watch her in awe – the way a sports fan might watch a great athlete – but the thing that this woman has mastered is herself. Every time I’ve been a guest in this friend’s home over the last fifteen years, I am blown away by what a person looks like when she truly embodies Torah values. My recent visit was no different.

To say that this woman is “giving” would be an understatement. I don’t know half of what she does – she’s much too modest to talk about it – but from what I do know, she took a disable child into her home and has cared for this boy like he is one of her own. She has eight of her own kids, including a child with special needs, who has given her many challenges along the way, and yet she constantly builds this child up and makes her feel like a million bucks. She also informally counsels other mothers with special needs kids to help them stay positive and strong.

This woman’s children are sweet and cute, but they are like regular kids – they fight, they ignore her from time to time. During one visit, her special needs child got into a container of shoe polish and spread it all over the kitchen. And how did she respond? She (and her husband) laughed! I’ve never seen her lose her cool. Not even once. She obviously naturally has a calm disposition. She must have been raised with no yelling, I assured myself. But she recently mentioned that she used scream as a kid and spent time working on it.

She constantly has guests in her home during the weekdays, Shabbos, and holidays. Her front door is never locked. From widows to orphans, to people who are just beginning their Jewish journey to those who have become disenchanted with the observant Jewish world and want to leave it – she welcomes them and countless others in.

When you’re a guest in her home, you’re treated like a king. She sits you down with a drink and a plate of food when you arrive and doesn’t allow you to help serve or clear (I have to argue with her to allow me to contribute somewhat now that I’m an old friend). On Shabbos morning, with your coffee, you get to indulge in a selection of homemade pastries she has prepared, separate from the other desserts she serves after the meals, and on your way out, she sends you with goodies, like her delicious homemade challah, so she can continue to give even once you’ve left. Every time we’ve stayed at her house, I get a phone call afterwards where she thanks me for coming and tells me how proud she is of what my husband and I have accomplished with our family and how inspired she is by my Jewish outreach.

She and her husband are not from the same Orthodox community my family is from. They’re part of a much more right wing and insular world. She comes from a Satmer family – her husband wears a streimel (a fur hat) – yet she loves us and accepts us for who we are and believes that our path as observant Jews is just as valid as hers is. She is a lover of all Jews and all good people. I commented to her that non-Orthodox Jews and non-Jews generally have a negative association with the Orthodox – especially the “ultra-Orthodox,” and she told me that she’s never had that experience. I had to explain to her that it’s because she personally breaks down the negative stereotypes with every new person she meets.

And she’s been calling me to say “good Shabbos” every week for the last fifteen years. I don’t know how many people are on her “good Shabbos” list. I can only imagine. But any time between Wednesday night when Shabbos begins to “descend” until right before Shabbos itself, I have gotten a quick call from her to wish me a “guten (good) Shabbos,” and she tells me that I should be “gebentched” (blessed). I do feel blessed when she calls.

She is the most positive person I have ever met, but it’s not because she has had a perfect life or that she is out of touch with reality. She is not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination – she wants her husband learning Torah for as long as he can – so they live on only her modest income – but she is content with what she has. She had infertility troubles for years when all she wanted was to start a family, and although, thank God, since she started being able to have kids she’s been blessed with eight (seven of them healthy) – she’s also lost many pregnancies in her second and even third trimesters. And her pregnancies are hard – full of nausea, heartburn, and serious back pain. She’s mentioned these things in passing, but you’d never see it on her face. Any mention of a difficulty or how she doesn’t sleep much always comes with a “Baruch Hashem” (thank God)!

On our most recent visit, I had a feeling she was pregnant again. When we had last visited, she had had my family (of six) over for a three day stay a month after her eighth child was born, along with numerous other guests! This woman is from a very large family and would love to have more children, so when I got the hint the next one was on the way, I was truly happy for her.

But when we got there, and she greeted us in her regular, warm way and was busy getting things ready for the holiday as usual, one thing seemed to be missing – no visible signs of a pregnancy. Maybe she’s carrying really small this time, I thought to myself. But then the news came – she had lost the baby at five months – only days earlier.

I told her I was so sorry – I asked her what the recovery is like after such a loss, and she matter-of-factly told me that it was the same thing as being postpartum – both physically and emotionally. She mentioned along the way that they had to fill out a death certificate. I couldn’t believe she hadn’t canceled on us!

I was waiting the whole visit for her to seem extra tired or extra moody or somehow “postpartum,” but nothing. At one point she asked me not to have my son eat in a certain room, which was a VERY reasonable request for anyone to have in any circumstance, but after the fact, she decided that it was her hormones that caused her to be particular like that and she apologized profusely, even as I assured her that I was not the least bit offended, nor did I think her request the least bit uncalled for.

As I watched my friend during our stay, I realized there was a lesson about Sukkot embodied in her being. There are many answers given as to why we sit in a sukkah, but in my friend, I discovered a new one. Some people look so strong and powerful – the people who seem to have it “have it all.” But in reality, they’re just like those “fortified” homes we leave during Sukkot. Because just like those homes, whether by hurricane, earthquake, foreclosure, or some other disaster, often these people crumble when faced with hardship. The facade of perfection and stability only exists as long as it goes unchallenged.

Then there are the people like my friend, whose lives look far from ideal, like a shaky hut, vulnerable to the elements. But because their happiness comes not from the things that they have, but rather from the way they emulate and trust in the Almighty – like the sukkahs of old, which were protected by the ananei hakavod (Clouds of Glory) – they become indestructible.

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  • Avatar photo Gail Ann Thompson says on October 6, 2012

    I read this with tears in my eyes. You are truly blessed to have such a friend. I once read an expression “to shed joy around”, it seems your friend has found how to manage that. May you know only joy, and your work be blessed.

  • Avatar photo karen says on October 6, 2012

    Allison You are truly blessed to have such a friend. She is a rare find. As precious as rubies!

    • Avatar photo Sarah | Belgianology says on October 17, 2012

      I was thinking the same thing, saving this article for when I need encouragement!
      Very nice story!

  • Avatar photo Mary Ruth Andrews says on October 6, 2012

    I am saving this post to reread whenever I need encouragement. Thank you for sharing in such detail, and I say Baruch Hashem for getting your newsletters in my e mail.

  • Avatar photo Edna says on October 7, 2012

    Someone has a late term miscarriage and then goes on to have a house full of guests? Something is not normal here. How is it possible she can give proper attention to all 9 kids, including 2 special needs and still be some giving to the rest of the world; its not possible.
    I’m sorry; this person does not sound real. If she is real, then the rest of us are woefully inadequate and I find that pretty darn depressing and not at all inspiring

    • Avatar photo Allison says on October 7, 2012

      Thanks for your comment, Edna. Her miscarriage wasn’t “late term” it was second trimester, but everything I wrote about what she does is true, and yes, perhaps she is not “normal,” but it is certainly not in a bad way. It’s in an awesome way.

      She had all the food pre-made and frozen – as do many other women I know who have large families and are super organized. And she has a few older kids who are very helpful as well as a very helpful husband. She said she had us over because it was “family only” and we are like family.

      I get why you are in denial and depressed by hearing about such greatness, but I believe that the feelings you’re having – while totally understandable – are coming from your yetzer hara (evil inclination). The purpose of the y”H is to stop a person from growing. So either a) this isn’t possible, b) there’s something wrong with her or c) there’s something wrong with you and the rest of us.

      All of these feelings are very destructive, though understandable. So why did I write about this woman if someone could have a reaction like yours (probably there are others thinking the same thing, but didn’t comment). Number one – the ultra-Orthoodx community always gets such a bad rap. We hear about the cheaters, the molesters, the zealots. This woman quietly does her acts of kindness every single day, but will likely never get any story written up about her. So I wanted to do that.

      Number two – we’re constantly hearing about “stars” in the media. Stars who are great at sports, have great voices, have world class looks. Not that these qualities have no purpose or can’t be used for good, but the role models we have in society are often nothing much to emulate. This woman is not someone who was blessed with a genius like mind or a star quality singing voice. She was blessed to be born into an excellent family who taught her wonderful values and then she spent her life perfecting herself.

      Most of us are not born into such families. Most of us will not be able to achieve what she has achieved. But it’s OK. God is not comparing us to her. God is comparing us to us. What have we done with what we’ve been given. How have we made the most of it. This woman’s *children* have more patience than I do. I watch them partly in awe, partly with jealousy! But when I visit this family and watch them in action, I take small pieces back with me. I send my guests home with challah now too. I *try* to stay more calm when my children act out by thinking of how my friend handles it.

      I noted that this woman used to scream so that readers would see that it’s possible, with hard work, to achieve incredible things. Some of what she does IS possible for the rest of us. For me, it sets the bar higher and makes me less likely to make excuses because I see what’s possible in a human being.

      I don’t feel the need to be exactly like her. I have my unique strengths and my unique challenges. But another reason why I wrote about her is to show what excellence in a person can look like when they turn their whole being into Ratzon Hashem (God’s Will) and completely trust in God.

  • Avatar photo sina says on October 7, 2012

    this inspired me so much. I relayed it at the shabbat table. thank you for sharing.

  • Avatar photo maidela says on October 7, 2012

    I also know a woman who is as incredible as the woman you have written about, and I always tell her that if I ever doubted the existence of Hashem (which I never have!), knowing a special person like her proves to me that G0D exists because only the Creator could “create” someone as special as she!!! She embodies all that is good in the world that He created!

  • Avatar photo Pam Machefsky says on October 9, 2012

    I, too, am in awe of women such as your friend. How very fortunate we are to have them in our lives, to be role models for us, to remind us that HaShem will always support us if we only can relax and do what we should: open our homes and hearts to our fellow Jew. Wonderful reading this piece and your comment.

  • Avatar photo Gabriella says on October 11, 2012

    Having recently had a miscarriage recently, this particular post hit close to home for me. I wish I could be as strong as this woman, but my particular experience has left me feeling further from G-d and I couldn’t imagine being as lovely as your friend given the circumstances. I’m truly sorry for her loss.

    • Avatar photo Talia says on October 17, 2012

      Gabriella, I’m so, so very sorry for your loss and I don’t know you, but if I saw you in person, I’d give you a hug. I wish you and your husband healing and peace in time.

  • Avatar photo Amanda says on October 17, 2012

    What a wonderful article! You are no doubt blessed by her friendship as I am sure sure she is by yours. It made me stop and think how I could improve in my areas of weakness!

  • Avatar photo Monica Rosner says on October 17, 2012

    I cannot begin to describe how I feel after reading this article. How blessed we are to have role models like this to remind us just how wonderful life is and how Hashem is with us in every way. Thank you very much for the analogy to the sukkah.

  • Avatar photo mindy says on October 17, 2012

    Wow, if she has room in her life for one more friend I will happily volunteer.

  • Avatar photo Ruchy says on October 18, 2012

    Amazing article! For people within the ultra-Orthodox community (like me), this woman is not an anomaly! I can start listing so many other woman just like your friend. Somehow, Hashem gives them an extra amount of strength to accomplish all that they do. Yes, she is definitely an inspiration.

  • Avatar photo FrugalFrumFashion says on October 19, 2012

    Yes, it’s great to read about Jewish women who make a Kiddush Hashem like your friend, to offset all the chareidi-bashing in the mainstream media.

  • Avatar photo bracha says on October 19, 2012

    Wow Allison…Great article.Since I know who Allison is speaking of.She is by no means exxagerating..I couldn’t believe this woman was back to her peppy self in a few days..You would have never known that something happened just a few days before Succos..May Hashem continue to give her strength and everyone else in Klal Yisroel that needs it.
    Edna…I have never met a woman like this in my life either..she is special beyond imagination and she gives total attention/care to every person in her household/table…

  • Avatar photo Footsteps In The Oprah Magazine - Jew in the City says on July 1, 2019

    […] the ones that experienced the worst atrocities imaginable. I got my start this way. I got to know exceptionally kind and generous Hasidic and Haredi families before I saw any trauma up close. I got to see how it is […]


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